Tags: Honesty Zone Mom of Boys
I remember the first time I heard the term “Mom Guilt”. A friend of mine was talking about her parenting struggles and how “the Mom Guilt was almost too much for her.” I laughed. Not because of her struggle, but because mom shaming had become so prevalent in our society that there was an official term for it! How sad is that?!
I wasn’t a mom at the time so I didn’t fully understand the burden she bore, but now that I have children of my own I completely understand!
I was talking to my sister a couple weeks back about my own struggles with Mom Guilt and she told me a story about a mom that was in her mom’s group when she was living in Arizona. This woman was out and about with her newborn—I think it might have been Target or the grocery store—when a store clerk stopped to “offered her parenting two-cents”. Tired of dealing with people just like this store clerk, she snapped and told the lady, “I didn’t know that (said store) hired store clerks that were also pediatricians!” Haha I’ve stored that little nugget away and am ready to use it on the next person who tries to criticize my parenting.
Mom Guilt is NO JOKE! It seems like no matter what choices you make or how carefully you try to fly under the mom-shaming radar, those darned mom shamers will find you!
The first three months after Liev was born were rough. He had a severe lip and tongue tie we were not aware of. On top of that, I have inverted nipples. Between the two issues, breast feeding was a nightmare. I tried SO HARD to breastfeed. Unfortunately, Liev never latched properly because of the ties and I was in such pain I cried every time he fed. I eventually invested in a breast pump which made things easier on me, but because the pump didn’t stimulate milk flow as well as Liev did, my supply began to dwindle. Eventually we started supplementing with formula and talk about CRAZY MOM GUILT!
Thankfully, my wonderful friend Tara was there to help. She was out visiting family in Virginia when Liev was five months old, and we met up for lunch. I had already given up on breastfeeding by that point, and I was venting my frustrations to her. She simply smiled and said, “I bet he has a lip or tongue tie.” She took a peek inside his mouth and sure enough, she had diagnosed my breastfeeding problems in all of five minutes.
After fighting with our pediatrician for six months to have his ties clipped, they were finally repaired when he was eleven months old. I could write an entire book about the hell we went through to get that done…but I won’t bore you with the details now.
We had solved the issue of the lip and tongue tie. And while he could now drink through a straw and eat chunkier foods without gagging, we had also lost many valuable months of breastfeeding. All that time I felt ashamed for giving Liev formula…ashamed I couldn’t breastfeed my son.
There is so much pressure on moms these days to breastfeed and, don’t get me wrong, I think you should breastfeed for as long as you can…IF you can! Breast milk is the best you can give your child, but I wish there was a little more understanding and support given to those moms who simply can’t. I was doing the absolute best I could, and instead of being proud of my choices, I hid in the shadow of my guilt.
I think back on those moments with anger now. I was a new mom to the most beautiful little boy on earth and all I felt was shame and guilt. What a terrible start to motherhood.
If dealing with outside pressures wasn’t hard enough, we as mothers are often hard on ourselves. I’m blessed to be a stay-at-home mom. When Adrian and I decided to have children we both agreed that we would only do it if I stayed home to raise them. Adrian works VERY HARD so that I can remain a stay-at-home mom, and I’m grateful to him for his sacrifice.
Because I know it’s a struggle for him, I have a really hard time accepting help from him. I feel that taking care of the boys and running the house is my job. I work hard to make sure he comes home to a clean house and a yummy meal. This was an easier task when it was just Liev, and now that Silas is here, I’m lucky if I have time to make the bed let alone tidy the house.
Preparing meals is another issue all together. The first two weeks we were home my mom and sister brought lunch and dinner every day. I could not have been more grateful for that. But once the meals stopped showing up at the front door, I had to start feeding everyone myself. Adrian and I had both agreed that we would keep Silas home for the first month which is what we did with Liev. We wanted to keep him away from people during those first few weeks. Unfortunately, this meant I too was quarantined for those first four weeks. I would make grocery lists and Adrian would run out to the store to pick up what we needed. Adrian being the incredible husband he is, told me to keep meals simple—sandwiches and other things that were simple and could be prepared quickly. I did just that. It worked for a very short time, but one night I sat and watched as my wonderful husband and son ate pb&j sandwiches and then scrounged around for more food to eat. That was a very low point for me. I went to bed that night and cried myself to sleep. I woke up and swore I would never let that happen again.
But it doesn’t need to be so hard. I have a wonderful husband who is constantly offering to help, and here I am trying to carry the entire burden all on my own because I’m ashamed that I need help. During that same conversation with my sister, she admitted she felt the exact same thing. She’s also a stay-at-home mom and also constantly battles the guilt of not being able to DO IT ALL!
Why do we do that to ourselves? Why is it so hard for us to accept help? Some might say it’s pride, but we who are going through it know it’s not. The pressures, both external and internal are overwhelming and we get swallowed up by this need to be perfect. Talk about ridiculous! We are never going to be perfect parents, but as long as we’re trying our hardest and giving our best, then we should be proud.
Being a stay-at-home parent is not just a full-time job, it’s a 24-hour, 365-day job. You can’t expect to keep it all together all the time…that’s just impossible. We need to be able to accept help when it’s offered. Better yet, ASK for help when it’s needed.
So, let’s make a pact. Let’s promise to stop the mom shaming. Stop putting undue pressures on others AND ourselves. Let’s be kind to one another…lifting each other up instead of tearing each other down. Let’s be the best parents we can be. Let’s learn from our mistakes and not be afraid to ask for help when we need it.
